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Love or Marriage

– ourselves. Unlike our heterosexual counterparts, gay men are not troubled with the contemplation that the “marriage” is legal commitment “til death do us part,” but rather a promise they have made of their own free will.There is a trade-off. The gay man is left with other burdens to bear, such as discrimination, non-tolerance and moral persecution – but in the arena of love he is liberated. Gay men have a unique opportunity to define the terms of their union. I view this as a gift, an advantage they have over more conservative traditional marriages. Whether it is monogamy, polyamory, or an open door policy, the terms are defined by enforcing the emotional and physical well being of the couple. Using this ability to create or define a “spiritual” marriage, the gay man defines the bonds of love and marital affection as being one in the same - contrary to Van den Haag who states “the marital bond is quite different from the bond of love” (315). Emotionally, the gay relationship starts out much the same as a heterosexual relationship, emotions stemming from various types of desire. It can be a desire to get to know the other person and develop closeness, which is followed, if not proceeded by, desires like lust and longing. The excitement and novelty of sexual tension leads to joyous anticipation. Essentially, these are the passions that Van den Haag attributes to being representative of love. Once love is expressed and actualized, other emotions come to fruition. A sense of security, reliance, and trust begin to develop. These emotions foster familiarity, dependences, and intimacy. Shared experience, along with, stability provide a solid foundation that anchors the couple’s sense of unity, still allowing for individualism. Tenderness, empathy, and substance promote fulfillment and sexual gratification. Van den Haag refers to these as affection; the emot...

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