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Loves path

Loves path They say it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. Those words are not comforting to me. But, I love you Deborah, he says as we sit on the couch in my basement, his voice shaky, and uncertain. He looks into my eyes as if pleading, no, begging for forgiveness. I don’t recognize these eyes that once provided me with happiness, security, and comfort. These eyes used to reassure me that indeed he did –used to love me. It hurts to look into them; I turn away. His face was just a blur, as tears collected, clouded my eyes and trailed down my cheeks until I could taste them. My mind has conflicting thoughts. Forgive him. Don’t forgive him. Say I love you. Don’t say I love you. No! I can’t! I couldn’t believe what he just told me. He kissed another girl. How could he? He kissed another girl. I thought he loved me. He kissed another girl. Shocked. “It’s not my fault,” he said. What! Not his fault? I hate him. I hate him. Horrifying silence. There was silence. Not because I didn’t know what to say, but because I’m struggling to find words that would answer my questions. I wanted to scream. I wanted to ask him why. My mind wanders to a year earlier, a happier time, when we sat on this very same couch. I looked nervously in his eyes unable to hold my stare, unable to look away. I surrendered myself to the magic of love. I struggled to say the words “I love you” for the first time. But, soon thereafter, they came with an ease. He dominated my thoughts from the first time we touched, The little numerical codes on my pager of I love you, I miss you, and the voice mails of “Just thinking of you” and “Just wanted to say hi” gave me a sense of importance. My friends, family, and school came in second. He was my number one priority. I would fall asleep at night thinking about his kisses and wake up in the morning with his soft, magical words ringing in my ears. We had been going out for nine months and five days (not that I had been counting). It doesn’t seem long, but it felt like an eternity. I had never been so happy. The day he kissed the other girl, he threw that all away. Thinking of everything that he told me, he said he would never leave or deceive me. Our love was gone . That returns me from the distant memory to the present like a slap in the face. “Please, I’m sorry” he says begging. I ask him to leave. He gets up from the couch to leave. Am I making a mistake? Maybe it can work out? I think and imagine his arms around me, hugging me, holding me tight. I couldn’t bear. The pain in my heart feels too strong to endure. I have to stop myself from calling, running after him. My cries turn into hysterics. I am angry. I feel so much pain, like I just got shot down, the bullets piercing through my soul. I feel so alone. For days I cried myself to sleep; in the morning when I woke up people asked me how I felt, but I lied convincingly because I did not want to reveal the fact that I was suffering. Even weeks after the breakup, I would jump up when I heard the phone ringing, thinking it was him. When I received a page or a voicemail, a chill of hope would run down my spine. One night, while I was going through my phone book, I came upon a picture of him and I, together, laughing. I looked at it for a few minutes and I asked the picture why, not expecting an answer, but some type of explanation. Slowly, I ripped the picture into small pieces like the shattered pieces of my heart and threw them out the window. I had so many unanswered questions. He was gone and, as I hurt, I wondered if he had ever really loved me. He was gone, and all that was left were some good and bad memories. My heart still cries out for him, but my mind warns me I must move on. Even though I can never put the picture back together, as I go on, time will heal the pain, which will bring a new picture into my life; it is easier said then done. I learned from this experience the true meaning of the saying “What does not kill me will make me stronger.” I loved, I lost, and I suffered. Now it was time to forgive and forget. I started a new path that will make me whole again. But, sometimes my mind drifts back to the sweet dreams of my first love. I thought this was the worst experience of my life. It took me a while to realize that it wasn’t the end of the world. Something worst could have happened; like I could have lost someone really important to me. My friends made me see that there were other fish in the sea. Don’t close your heart to other guys because of one little break up. Of course no relationship is perfect; there are your ups and downs. If a break-up does happen, maybe, it just wasn’t meant to be. But, don’t look at it as a burden, look at it as an experience you can learn from. Break ups happen all the time. Life does go on. You have to know that you are not the only one that goes through a break-up. Everyone experiences a different scenario for a break-up. Just dust yourself off and try again. Eventually, you will find the right one; it is hard but, I am still looking. Bibliography:

Word Count: 989