. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. Press buttons as follows: 1) To make an appointment to see me 2) To query a missing payment 3) To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there 4) To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping 5) To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature 6) To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home 7) To leave a message on my computer [to leave a message a password to access my computer is required: the password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact 8) To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 7 9) To make a general complaint or inquiry. The Authorized Contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best of WoodyGuthrie: Oh,the banks are made of marble...
