Data Bases • Custom Term Papers • Free Term Papers • Free Research Papers • Free Essays • Free Book Reports • Plagiarism? Links • Top 100 Term Paper Sites • Top 25 Essay Sites • Top 50 Essay Sites • Search 97,000 Papers @ DirectEssays.com • Search 101,000 Papers @ ExampleEssays.com • Search 90,000 Papers @ MegaEssays.com Free Essays • Term Paper Sites • Chuck III's Free Essays • Free College Essays • TermPaperSites.com • My Term Papers • Get Free Essays • Essay World • Planet Papers	Search Lots of Essays Back to Subjects - Psychology Unrequited Love Unrequited Love Unrequited love: On Heartbreak, Anger, Guilt, Scriptlessness, and Humiliation is a study done by Roy F. Baumeister, Sara R. Wotman, and Arlene M. Stillwell. The study takes into account the numerous negative effects both on the "Would be Lover," and the "Rejector"(p.377). The negative effects on the "Would be Lover" include, Heartbreak, Anger, and Humiliation, whereas the effects on the "Rejector" also include Anger but also Guilt and Scriptlessness. Unrequited love deals with a social relationship between two people many if not all of the eight overarching themes in social psychology are observable in the behavior of the couples. Construction of Reality is the axiom that each person's view of reality is a construction, shaped both by cognitive processes and by social processes (Smith & Mackie 1995). What this says is that reality is basically in the eye of the beholder meaning what is seen and what is heard is very personal and varies greatly from person to person. One example of this is during the breakup of the couple, the "Would be Lover", may disagree about whether an explicit message of rejection was delivered and therefore persist in their advances towards the rejector who views these actions as inappropriate, irrational and/or obnoxious(p. 380). In this case the "Would be Lover" doesn't interpret the message given as rejection, possibly because from her point of view the relationship is strong and heading in a positive direction with the affections being mutual, therefore when the advances continue the "Rejector" sees them as inappropriate and irrational because he does not take into account the broad contrast in views. Another instance in the relationship involving the construction of reality is the issue of attraction. Initial romantic attraction seems to depend on the partner's desirability such that the most desirable partners elicit the most attraction and the greatest enjoyment of initial dates (Walster, Aronson, Abrahams, & Rottman 1966). Once again the issue of how attractive one person is to another is a personal assessment it is a matter of taste per say. So in that case the "Would be Lover" may not be attractive to the "Rejector" and therefore the outcome of the proposal will be negative. Pervasiveness of Social influence is the second of the Overarching themes discussed in the text. It is defined as, the axiom that other people influence virtually all of our thoughts, feelings, and behavior, whether those others are physically present or not (Smith & Mackie 1995). This idea has a great deal of relevance in attempting to understand unrequited love. Research has shown that people overwhelmingly tend to reciprocate (return) positive feelings and evaluations directed toward them by others (Jones & Wortmn, 1973; Kenny & Nasby 1980). It would seem that in the case of unrequited love the "Rejector" has become immune, or rather developed a tolerance to the actions of the "Would be Lover " such that the positive feelings and evaluations have no effect on the "Rejector". But this is not the case the "Rejector" is affected by the barrage of emotion from the "Would be Lover" although it is not positive rather the opposite, the actions of the "Would be Lover" cause frustration, resentment, and irritation not the desired effect but an effect just the same. Likewise the "Rejector" also has an effect on the "Would be Lover" by rejecting the "Would be Lover" the "Rejector" causes disappointment, humiliation and a lowered self-esteem. Striving for Mastery is the third of the overarching themes, it is described as the motivational principle that people seek to understand and predict events in the social world in order to obtain rewards.(Smith & Mackie 1995) In the study the subjects, namely the "Would be Lovers" are attempting to gain a reward, the "Rejectors", although there is not a great deal of tact involved, that is why I believe that mastery is not implied in the propositional phase of the relationship. This applies to the "Rejectors" as well although the reward is very different they don't have any real structure or set plan for the situation. But in the rejection phase this is somewhat different, the "Rejectors" are still without mastery, but the "Would be Lovers" do, somewhat. Basically Baumeister, Wotman, and Stillwell discus something called scripts. They write that "...the aspiring lover has a wealth of scripted guidelines to follow, whereas the rejector does not. Confronted with a real and personal experience of unrequited love, the would be lover has a great stock of distilled insight and fictional models to rely on."(p.379) By saying this the "Would be Lovers" have knowledge pertaining to how the should act in a given circumstance, the reward therefore would be less pain and humiliation. The fourth of the eight overarching themes is that people seek connectedness, meaning, the motivational principle that people seek support, liking, and acceptance from the people and groups the care about and value (Smith & Mackie 1995). This theme is the most significant in the situation of unrequited love. It has been said that receiving love in the form of unconditional positive regard was a crucial key to happiness and adjustment (Rogers 1959). The "Would be Lover' may go to great lengths to try and win the others love although the outcomes are at opposite ends of the spectrum, extreme happiness or humiliating heartbreak depending on the others response. In the case of unrequited love most times the result is humiliating heartbreak. Also it may be this longing for love that causes the "Would be Lover" to believe that the relationship is positive and mutually pleasing. This also ties in to the theme of construction of reality where both sides have different angles at the same thing. The overarching theme people value "Me and Mine" is described by Smith & Mackie as The motivational principle that people desire to see themselves, and other people and groups connected to themselves, in a positive light. There are a few instances of this in an unrequited love, one example of this is that the "Rejector" sees himself as innocent and sees his rejection of the "Would be Lover" as an attempt to remove himself from the situation although the "Rejector " still feels guilt towards the whole situation. Another example of this is that everyone tends to prefer a maximally attractive partner but tends to end up with a partner roughly equal to one's own attractiveness (Murstein & Christy, 1976). One possible viewpoint on this statement is that the "Would be Lover" may see himself as extremely attractive and therefore desires someone of the same attractiveness. The "Rejector" under the same circumstances may believe that she is much more attractive then the "Would be Lover" and therefore refuse him the date. One more point involving the value of "Me and Mine" was noted by the researchers such that memory and other cognitive processes is questionable (Banaji & Crowder, 1989) which could lead to biased interpretations, or selective recall. These actions were used to help rebuilt the damaged self-esteem of the "Would be Lovers" by basically making them remember themselves in the best possible light (Valuing "Me and mine"). The effect of the first impression on the "Would be Lovers" has a great affect on the direction of the relationship. This brings us to the sixth of the overarching themes Conservatism, which is the processing principle that individuals' and groups' views of the world are slow to change and prone to perpetuate themselves (Smith & Mackie). This is probably one of the greatest reasons that many of the "Would be Lovers" are rejected, at some point the "Rejectors " formed a negative opinion of them and that opinion is very difficult to change. This relates very well to the second overarching theme pervasive social influence where the actions of one person influence the thoughts and actions of the other, "In unrequited love, each person's emotions and other outcomes are heavily dependent on the other's acts."(p378) There is also conservatism in what the "Would be Lovers" think of the "Rejectors", it was said that even after the "Rejectors" had rejected them the "Would be Lovers" still continued to believe that the relationship that they were involved in was stable and that they were still attracted to the "Rejectors". Another of the overarching themes is accessibility which is the processing principle that the information that is most readily available generally has the most impact on thoughts, feelings, and behavior (Smith & Mackie). Scriptlessness is one of the major points of discussion in the article, this is where accessibility is involved. Scriptlessness is a word the authors used to describe the accessibility of information that is available to the "Would be Lovers" and the "Rejectors" about their given position in the relationship, "...The aspiring lover has a wealth of scripted guidelines to follow ...","...One can probably hear a song about unrequited love in almost any American house within any hour, simply by turning on the radio. A seemingly endless stream of books and movies has portrayed aspiring lovers persisting doggedly to win the hearts of their beloveds."(379). This is saying that the "Would be Lovers" have something of an advantage over the "Rejectors" in the sense that they have been taught how to act and react to the "Rejectors" . Whereas the "Rejectors" don't have any role models to demonstrate coping strategies. "Therefore the rejector is abruptly cast in an unscripted role of inter personal villain, and so one may predict that the rejector would find considerable uncertainty and ambiguity about how to act." (p380) Basically all this is saying is that "Rejectors" have little or no accessible information to help them with their problem. Superficiality versus depth is the last of the eight overarching themes, it is described as the processing principle that people ordinarily put little effort into dealing with information but at times are motivated to consider information in more depth. (Smith & Mackie) Generally when you consider superficiality versus depth both of these are involved in unrequited love. For instance if one of the two people involved for instance, the "Would be Lover" had been paying a lot of attention to the "Rejector" but not letting his feelings known we could still say that he is processing his options in depth. When the time comes to let his feelings be known and the "Rejector" rejects him outright then she is being superficial she based her decision on a limited amount of information,(his attractiveness and possibly the sound of his voice). Although after making such a quick decision often the "Rejectors" will look back on the events with regret and may feel the reacted incorrectly. If we examine the breakup then the roles are somewhat reversed, the "Rejector" gives all of the possible choices fairly good thought in order to make the break up as least painful for her partner as possible. Whereas if the "Would be Lover" still believes that the relationship is still positive then he hasn't given it much thought at all. Bibliography: Word Count: 1830
Copyright © 2005 College Term Papers, INC All Rights Reserved.