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Back to Subjects - Social Issues

Divorce

Divorce Divorce has increased dramatically since the beginning of this century. Unfortunately, the probability that a marriage will today end in a divorce is a whopping 50 percent. Also, the average duration of a marriage has decreased from 17 years in 1971 to just over 9 years in 1990 (Halonen & Santrock, 1997). Halonen & Santrock claim that although divorce has risen for all socioeconomic groups, those in disadvantaged circumstances have a higher incidence of divorce. Suggesting that marriage at a young age, low educational levels, and low income are associated with increases in divorce. For most, divorce is extremely painful. Unfortunately, children are not excluded from related suffering. It is safe to assume that with such a high occurrence of divorce in our society that more and more children are being affected. For example, increasing numbers of children are growing up in single-parent families. There is no doubt that divorce involves quite a disequilibrium in children’s lives. Doctor Judith Gold takes the issue further claiming that divorce is one of the most severe psychological stressors for children (Gold, 1992). There are many factors which mediate the effects of divorce on children. It is important to remember that family structure (a divorced versus a non-divorced family) is only one of the many factors that influence children’s adjustment (Gold, 1992). Some circumstances which affect a child’s adjustment to divorce are: (1) support systems, (2) the relationship between the custodial parent and the ex-spouse, (3) parenting styles, (4) gender of the child and the gender of the custodial parent, and (5) the age of the child at the time of the divorce (Halonen & Santrock, 1997). Halonen & Santrock claim that the best approach for evaluating effects on children is one which advocates evaluating the strengths and weaknesses of the child prior to the divorce, the nature of the events surrounding the divorce, and postdivorce family functioning. I chose to focus this paper on the impact of parental divorce on a child. To better understand the adjustment process, I decided to interview a 20-year-old woman whom I will call Ann for the purpose of this project. Ann’s parents divorced when she was nine. One of the reasons I selected her as my case study was the fact that I was aware that the divorce of her parents was a dramatic change in her family structure as a child well through her adolescent years. I asked Ann a variety of questions about her life prior to, immediately following, and several years after the divorce. I carefully examined family, peer, school, and cultural influences that affected her adjustment. Ann is able to recall vivid details of her extremely authoritarian father and home prior to the divorce. Her parents were immigrants who married at a young age and moved to the United States shortly after. She is the second youngest of six children, five girls and one boy. Ann’s father was the dominant parental figure with her mother being submissive to him. He ran the house quite militantly. Every rule was to be followed precisely, without exceptions. Each child was expected to perform outstandingly in school as well as complete all their cleaning chores in the home. Through the years, Ann’s father’s need for dominance over his family grew worse. He became abusive towards his wife and stricter on his children. The children were greatly united for they now had the additional duty of trying to protect their mother. Ann felt as though she had twice the responsibility as any child her age. She believed that she could not relate to her classmates and therefore kept to herself. When Ann was nine years old, her mother filed for divorce in an attempt to provide a more preferable environment for her young impressionable children. This experience was a traumatic change from what Ann perceived to be her family life. Along with her mother and siblings, Ann spent the next several months residing with different relatives until the family could find another permanent home. She remembers feeling really sad. She also felt terribly isolated which ruled out the possibility of establishing close relationships with anyone. I observed feelings of inferiority and depression quite frequently throughout the interview. It is apparent that Ann has a low self-esteem. She admits being needy and feeling deprived of a “normal” family life. I believe that her early family structure as well as the changes following the divorce has contributed tremendously to her poor self image and her self concept of being socially incompetent. I am under the impression that Ann has identified with her low self-esteem but feels there is not much she can do to improve it. She blames herself. Dr. Gold claims that girls tend to internalize problems of divorce which seems exactly the case for Ann. I believe this is attributable to her strict upbringing which did not provide her with the proper independence and support which she so desperately needed. Today, she is still coping with her low self-esteem; attempting to raise it through social approval. Of the divorce effects on children for the first few years following the divorce discussed by Dr. Gold, the most prevalent in Ann was experiencing difficulties in social relationships. Apparently, growing up Ann felt as a social isolate because she believed her situation at home was so different from the norm. She accepted that she did not develop normal communication skills because of her extraordinary situation. Ann still believes today that she can not always accurately express her thoughts and feelings to others. She knows she will have to work on this for the rest of her life. A major change for Ann following the divorce was the difference in parenting techniques. She switched from a very strict rule under her father to her mother’s permissive-indulgent parenting style. She believes her mother selected this method to somehow give her children the freedom they never had previously. However, it had negative effects. Ann in retrospect claims that her mother lost all control over her six children. The family grew apart, fighting constantly. This radical change gave Ann no limitations, no boundaries for her actions. In fact, she still has problems dealing with issues of control today because of it. When I asked Ann to distinguish between her life at home prior to and post separation, I was surprised to realize that she favored some qualities before. For instance, she claims that her siblings were all closer prior to the divorce. In her words when they were forced to “We all had to eat together like one big happy family.” Also, she feels that she may have attended college under the controlling rule, something which she has no intention of doing. My interviewee attended a catholic school from kindergarten to junior high. She enjoyed this school because it was small and everyone was acquainted with one another. She claims that while going through the divorce, her life at school was the only thing that remained constant. She had close relationships with her teachers and believes they were positive role models for her. In fact, she was involved in many school activities. I must conclude that because of this warm and nurturing environment that Ann speaks of, she must have had a more positive self-image at that time. She had to have felt somewhat equal with her peers to be able to participate in social activities. A major disruption in Ann’s life was leaving her small school to attend a public high school with over 3000 students. She experienced a severe case of depression and loneliness associated with the top dog phenomenon. Most of her friends enrolled in different high schools and she was going to attend a high school where she did not know anyone. She remembers being extremely lonely. Ann did not adjust well to the new environment. She was not confident enough to join any sports or activities where she could make new friends. This turmoil lead to a tremendous decrease in her self-esteem, which has taken her much effort to improve, even if only slightly. Overall, I believe Ann has had much difficulty in her life because of the divorce. Dr. Gold makes some important points, which I believe are completely relevant to Ann’s case. First, she states that the most important predictor of a good adjustment in the children was the overall quality of life within the postdivorce family. Second, there are long-term and lasting effects in the nonclinic (those without psychotherapy) population of divorced children. Third, the long-term effects seem to be most severe in girls. And fourth, visitation and regular visitation patterns seem to be prophylactic in regard to preventing long-term problems. Ann has not seen or heard from her father since a few months after the divorce, eleven years ago. She blames him entirely. In her words, “I really don’t care if he is dead or alive.” I believe the fact that she has not had the opportunity to resolve feelings of resentment and anger towards her father has not allowed for her to properly cope. She is quite cynical towards love and trust within relationships. Unfortunately, forgiveness is not in Ann’s vocabulary. Trust does not come easily for this 20-year-old. She claims the main reason for this is numerous accounts of betrayal by her family, including her father. She is extremely doubtful of everyone’s loyalty. She believes once someone takes advantage of your trust they will continue to do so repeatedly. According to Erik Erikson, trust requires a feeling of physical comfort and a minimal amount of fear and apprehension about one’s future (Halonen & Santrock, 1997). I feel my interviewee has never had such a luxury. It is evident in talking to Ann that there is somewhat of a difference between whom she is and who she would like to be. Carl Rogers states that the greater the discrepancy between the real and ideal self the more maladjusted one will be (Halonen & Santrock, 1997). I agree with this statement completely. Ann practically believes everything she portrays is negative. She repeatedly compares herself to her friends, herself being the inadequate one. Ann dislikes her physical appearance. When I commented that I thought she was beautiful, she could not accept the compliment. She responded “I hate the way I look and I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror.” She can not accept flattery because she has little self worth and low self esteem. She does not even trust in the fact that a man finds her attractive. She is always the center of her own jokes. I conclude that this is the way she copes with her feelings of inferiority (which are much more deep routed than I first assumed). I am not attempting to make the claim that Ann’s problems are due to her parents’ divorce. This is just one story of some of the issues a child may have to cope with following her parent’s separation and what some of the repercussions may be. However, Ann’s case does in some ways relate to researched effects of divorce on children. First, her initial feelings of being sad, lonely, and withdrawn are common among children following parental divorce (Gold, 1992). These children share a sense of being deprived or needy as Ann claimed she was. I believe a major hurdle for Ann was the complete loss of a relationship with her father. Dr. Gold states that contact between the noncustodial parent and the child is critical to the future of the child. Ann, unlike many young adults whose parents divorced, is still angry. Unfortunately, she has never had much of a support system who could buffer the emotional despair she has had to deal with. On a more positive note, Ann has recently been seeking the help of a counselor to deal with some of the issues she is facing. She reports that it is helping her dramatically. She believes for the first time she can truly express to someone what she is feeling. Ann’s goals are to feel better about herself and improve her outlook on her world. She hopes to one day have less difficulties is social relationships and perhaps one day be able to trust someone enough to fall in love. I feel fortunate to have had the opportunity to speak with Ann. I wish her the best in all her future endeavors. Bibliography: Gold, Judith H. Divorce as a Developmental Process. New York: American Psychiatric Press, Inc.. 1992. Halonen, Jane S. & Santrock, John W. Human Adjustment (2nd edition). Indiana: Brown & Benchmark Publishers. 1997.

Word Count: 2270