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Back to Subjects - Social Issues

Where Do I Fit

Where Do I Fit “It is a particular sensation, this double-consciousness, this sense of always looking at one’s self through the eyes of others, of measuring one’s soul by the tape of a world that looks on in amused contempt and pity.” explains W. E. B. DuBois. DuBois’ essay, “Of Spiritual Strivings” helps to explain the feelings Gregory Williams suffers through during his childhood and adolescence by trying his hardest to been seen as he is, a smart articulate boy, but being seen as just the stereotypical African American lazy boy. Gregory Williams, the autobiographor of Life On The Color Line, experiences the life of a white boy in the 1950s, yet was not always able to live that life due to his African American heritage. The way he was treated as a young child and teenager, showed his race a social concept, one that was dependent on where he lived, who his friends were and who his family was, instead of his ancestry. Omi and Winant talk about race as a social issue in their essay titled, “Racial Formation.” Although Gregory had a hard time fitting into either racial group, it all came down to who he wanted to be friends with and who he wanted to be associated with and who would come to befriend him and take care of him. He had to make the choice of how he would be seen to others, hopefully it was the way he As Gregory started to grow up in a small town of Virginia living life as what he saw as a “normal white boy’s” life. He was able to go to “whites only” schools, movie theaters, and swimming pools for the first ten years of his life. His family, to the naked eye, appeared to be a well of white family whom owned their own business and did well supporting themselves. Gregory thought this was how his whole life would be, having people look at him as a successful white boy who would turn into a successful white man. This was the plan until after Gregory’s mother abandoned him, his brother Mike and his father. Their wealth and healthy life style took and abrupt turn. Gregory’s father James, had no choice but to take his boys and his drinking back to Muncie where James’ mother lived. On the bus ride to Muncie, James brings a startling realization to the boys attention. Their father leaned in close to tell them the news, “That makes you part colored, too...” he told them (33). At that point, Greg’s life was changing before his eyes, even if he wasn’t changing in his own eyes. Greg protested to his father, almost shouting, “I’m not colored, I’m white! I look white! I’ve always been white!” (33). But at that instance Gregory knew, he knew life would be different. He thought to himself, “After ten years in Virginia on the white side of the color line, I knew what it meant.” (34). Gregory knew what it meant for him to be part African American. He wouldn’t have the privileges he had when people treated him white. He knew he wouldn’t be going to all white schools, or all white swimming pools anymore. Nor would he have the extra money in his pocket to buy a new shirt or ice cream. He knew he wouldn’t be seen as who he thought he was, but as a “half-breed”. He would not be accepted by the white society, but not accepted by the African American society either. He would had to strive to be who he truly was, a smart boy with tons of ambitions and hope he would be accepted that way. Life in Muncie was difficult for Gregory to adjust to. As a young child, he had troubles being accepted as either a white boy or as an African American boy. During the first few days at Garfield Elementary, his new school, he was inseparable from two white girls. Gregory’s intelligence sparked their interest and they all became instant friends. Until one day when the two girls, Molly and Sally, saw Gregory with his Aunt Bess, an African American woman, on the other side of town. He remembered the situation as, “... so normally only various shades of black and brown faces were on the corner. That day was different. Two white faces stood out from the crowd- Molly and Sally. Even from a distance I saw shock register on their faces.” (46). Previously the girls had seen Gregory as their white friend from school, but as soon as they saw him on the other side of town, they knew he wasn’t racially what he appeared to be. From probably been taught by their parents, this friendship would no longer exist. Having friends of another race was just not accepted. At that instant Gregory had experienced double-consciousness. His friends Molly and Sally saw him instantaneously change, even though neither his appearance nor his personality had changed. He was still the same boy, at least he thought he was. A similar situation arose on the playground while a group of African American boys were playing football and Gregory and his little brother Mike joined in. The football game started to get rough, and Mike was tackled to the ground. Shocked by this, both Gregory and Mike questioned the reason for the violence. An African American boy gave then a sharp answer, “This is tackle. We get you down any way we can... It ain’t two-handed touch like you crackers play.” (47). Gregory is now put into the position where he is looked at as a white boy, a “cracker”. Now not being seen as an African American boy as Molly and Sally saw him, he had to try to fit in somewhere. No matter how he was perceived, someone had a problem with it at that point in Gregory’s life. Gregory enters adolescence and is finally accepted into the African American community by establishing friendships on the African American playground, having jobs in the community and also by excelling in school. He befriends a boy, Brian Settles, who he met while playing hide-and-go-seek one summer afternoon. Brian and Gregory became best friends. They swam together, fished and played basketball together. Gregory began to be happy with where he was and who his new friends were. One afternoon while walking onto the basketball court at Madison Street Playground, Gregory thought to himself, “I knew I had at least one friend who accepted me as I was.” (122). He was accepted as a young boy wanting to play and live life adventurously. He finally was seen for who he was, and who he wanted to be seen as. Not for what his race was, or wasn’t. Gregory started to take interest in school, much due to his father’s constant badgering that if he didn’t get an education, he would amount to nothing. He received good grades in both Elementary and in Junior High School. During his last year at Junior High School, his grades and performance were so extraordinary a teacher of his, Miss Newman, informed him of an award that would be given at their graduation ceremony. She went on about the award, that it was to be given to the student who had the “best academic record and all around school participation.” (124). Miss Newman assured Gregory that he was going to receive this award. So proud, Gregory told his grandma and his father of this wondrous news. All were very pleased and just waited for the day of the ceremony so he could receive the award and praise he deserved. The day of the ceremony Gregory sat o the stage waiting for his name to be called to accept his award. As the principal rose to announce the winner of the Academic Achievement Prize, Gregory sat in anticipation. The principal spoke of the award being given to a student who could, “overcome adversity and difficulty, yet grasp an understanding of what learning is all about and what America stands for as a nation.” As the principal read the name of the winner, to Gregory’s surprise, it wasn’t his. As he still sat on stage, he looked into the audience to see the smile vanish from his father’s face, at the same time shock registered on Miss Newman’s face as well. Gregory thought to himself and realized, “The prize didn’t go to Negroes.” (126). Gregory has to accept that his double-consciousness still exists. Some people will just see him as an African American boy, not as the smart and articulate boy he has proven to be in Miss Newman’s eyes. He sees himself as an intelligent boy who worked hard at this academics as well as in sports, and clearly deserved the award. Yet he was looked at by society as an African American boy, and from what he had gathered in his own mind, he could never receive such an award because As if he is just looked over, DuBois made a great argument by stating, “Are they all wrong- all false? No, not that but each alone was oversimple and incomplete- the dreams of a credulous race- childhood, or fond images of the other world which does not know and does not want to know our power.” (Of Spiritual Strivings). Gregory had experienced this, others didn’t want to know him, they didn’t want to see what he had achieved because if they did, that might make him superior. And at that day and age, that would never be accepted. He was seen as a stereotype. Gregory never even had the chance to enter into the minds of the principal to show he had what it takes to be the best. Instead, the faculty judges and principal choose to stay in their simple minded world and over look a smart boy well deserving because of the color of his shin. Along with Gregory experiencing double-consciousness, he also has his race looked at as a social concept as well. During his first few days at high school, he has to decide where he want to be. Walking into the auditorium, he had to make a decision. During his high school career, did he want to be looked at as an African American, or as white? Standing in front of a great divide of white and African American students he admits, “I realized that, on the very first day, I had to make a fateful choice... Finally, aware I had no real decision to make, I slowly moved down the aisle to join the black students.” (191). Still sitting on the edge, he decided to join the community of students who had befriended him in his earlier schooling. Not only did the African American students befriend him, but Ms. Dora who was acting as his mother takes care of him and his brother just out of the kindness of her heart. Also Omi and Winant point out, “... That race is more a social myth than biological fact.” (Racial Formation). Which intern becomes true for Gregory. He chose to go sit with the African American students, that had been the group he was familiar with. But he knew before he sat down, he could have gone to the white side and maybe been accepted there. But he knew that he had already been rejected from their world and he had no choice. But that day, he chose his “social race” to be an African American, a race that accepted him and loved him. As time passes, the world changes. Views on everything shift and mold into new and better ideas. All that can be asked is that these changes are fair and just. In Gregory William’s case, things don’t change right a way for him. He unfortunately had to suffer though people seeing him for someone who he wasn’t. Or even having other people see him for just his exterior, not for who he really is or who he wants to be. Gregory had realized early in life that since his race was a controversy he decided, “My very existence made people uncomfortable and shattered too many racial taboos.” (166). So, for the rest of his life, he wants to bridge the gap that has divided and segregated different races for so Bibliography: Williams, Howaqrd. Life On The Color Line. Penguin Group, England, 1996.

Word Count: 2065