On Disappointments: A Personal Essay
What I noticed at the gathering was that the adults were the ones encouraging her to talk about her A, whereas she was more interested in helping with the cooking and playing with the smaller kids. I also noticed that when the adults talked with me about my report card, they said things like, "Oh, that's very nice." However, they saved their real enthusiasm for my cousin's report card. It was quite obvious.

Later, on the way home, I complained to my mother that, actually, my feelings were hurt because nobody seemed to care about my report card. "Really, she's not as good as I am in school," I said. At that point my mother became upset with me and said, "Well, so what? Your cousin may not be as good in school as you are, but everybody appreciates her for her knowledge, both academic and nonacademic." I took that the wrong way and asked if they didn't appreciate me. My mother said that of course they loved me but that talking about what I learned and what I knew all the time could get boring to some people. "It's like you're not interested in anybody else but only in telling people what you know." She told me that I shouldn't be as ignorant as I had been about commonsense things.

This was a bolt out of the blue, and I was at first upset to hear what I was being told, especially by my mother. But privately, I began to realize that I was often showing off my knowledge and could be a bore. Thus I made a resolutio

 

n to change my learning behavior and tried to be more attentive to other people than before. I realized that I could learn many more things than I ever thought possible if I paid more attention to my surroundings than if I cared nothing about them.

Garner, Alan. Conversationally Speaking: Tested New Ways to Increase Your Personal and Social Effectiveness. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1997.

Rogers, Carl R. On Becoming a Person. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company 1961.

I do not want to give the impression that I was instantly cured of what I now realize was my self-absorption. But I did immediately want to be a better and more well-rounded person. As one might expect based on my academic orientation, my response to my mother's statements led me to look to books and the Internet for some answers to change my approach to life. That is how I first became aware of Rogers's work, and when I got his book I also came across Perls's book. I also sought out a book that would help me improve my social skills, which obviously had been lacking. Garner develops the concepts of active listening (Garner 39ff) and using "open-ended" questions (5f) to others as a way of drawing them out. For example, instead of asking someone where he is from, one asks "how" he happened to arrive here. Oddly enough, deliberately asking and talking about the other person instead of myself has had an unexpected benefit: people have tol

 
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    Some topics in this essay  
 
    | Carl Rogers | Frederick Perls | York McGraw-Hill | Bantam Books | report card | Mifflin Company | people told |  
   
 
 
 
   
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