s father, he felt as though by being gay, he was somehow disappointing his father. This idea certainly scared David into thinking that his homosexual feelings were bad. Later in Paris, David was able to escape the direct tension that he felt, but his worries still lingered and he fought to become the person that he thought he should be:And we got on quite well. Really, for the vision I gave my father of my life was exactly the vision in which I myself most desperately needed to believe.. I had decided to allow no room in the universe for something which shamed and frightened me. I succeeded very well- by not looking at the universe, by not looking at myself, by remaining, in effect, in constant motion.(pg30)This is such a sad statement. David has become so sure that his sexual feelings are bad that he cant even look at himself. He fabricates stories for his father to ease his own suffering.Davids suffering continues to grow as he accepts a gay position in Paris, yet has the nagging feeling of guilt brought on by American ignorance. David finds a gay lover named Giovanni who becomes somewhat of a safe haven for David. The only reason that his relation with Giovanni seems safe is because no one knows about it. David finds pleasure and satisfaction in being with Giovanni and for a brief time, his American heritage drifts away along with his fears and concerns. Soon enough though, David becomes nervous to the fact that his fiance is coming back from Spain, and that his little sherade would soon have to end:Hella was on her way back from Spain and my father had agreed to send me money, which I was not going to use to help Giovanni, who had done so much to help me. I was going to use it to escape his room.(pg101)No matter how hard David tried to be himself, he always had his father and girlfriend to remind him what he was expected to be as an American man; this being a father and a husband. These people in his life never forced him to change,...
