looking for must be found within himself.Since David is not secure with his own identity, he pushes his reflection onto others and onto his surroundings. Upon Hella’s return he wants and expects himself to feel something for her again. He says, “She fitted into my arms, she always had, and the shock of holding her caused me to feel that my arms had been empty since she had been away (p. 120).” It’s almost as if he makes himself feel emotions that aren’t really there because takes them back so quickly. With a simple stroll down the riverbank, he changes how he feels about Giovanni and once he becomes accustomed to Hella again, he leaves her too. David is so mixed up with his emotions and lies to himself that he no longer feels anything toward either of his two loves. Giovanni says, “…maybe diamonds down there between your legs! You will never give it to anybody; you will never let anybody touch it – man or woman. You want to be clean (p.141).” Even the sense of security that he covers with the notion of love is gone towards the end of the book.David loses both his loves not only because he reflected upon them the hatred, confusion, and fear that he felt in his body but because he never truly understood himself. Through all his confusion, lust, and notions of love, he is able to finally realize certain things about his life. He is finally able to tell Hella who he really is and to let her vanish from his life because he can no longer pretend to have feelings for her. He can no longer pretend that his desire and passion for men can be ignored just so he can follow his so-called dreams. He states, “When my fingers began, involuntarily, to loose their hold on Hella, I realized that I was dangling from a high place and that I had been clinging to her for my very life (p. 158)”. What David needed to cling onto was the safety living a life unquestioned and familiar to everyone, ...
