, but also knowing on a more rational, analytical level that this is the right thing to do. On one occasion, I suggested this concept to a student in my marriage preparation class. She exclaimed, “I know realistically that Tom and I are very different from each other. He is from another race, religion, and cultural group. I know the adjustments will be many, but darn it, I love him, and I should follow my heart!” Hearing this, I engaged her in a discussion (focused on thoughts, not feelings) of the many specific adjustments the two of them would have to make to make this marriage work. She had never carefully thought about all these adjustments before. After our cognitive discussion, her heart was less sure of itself! As a result, this couple came to twelve sessions of premarital counseling before they eventually married. If you are wise you will base your marriage decision on both thoughts and feelings. You should feel good about the decision and, more objectively, you should analyze your decision so that if you explained to me your decision to marry — that is, why your partner is a good choice, why you feel ready, why the relationship and circumstances surrounding it (the context) are favorable — I would see your logic and the wisdom in your decision.The reality: Choosing someone to marry is a decision of the heart and the head. LET’S LIVE TOGETHER: The myth: Living together will prepare you for marriage and improve your chances of being happily married. Mounting evidence shows that living together — which scientists call cohabitation — is significantly different from marriage and that cohabitation used as a “trial marriage” usually does not improve a couple’s chances for later marital success. In fact, as you will learn later in Chapter Five, serial cohabiters have higher divorce rates than those who do not cohabit! It turns out that serial cohabit...
