not let go of. It was the part of his outfit that gave him a hint of neatness. Things of the feminine nature, such as flowers, music, paintings and champagne that all appealed to him. He had lacked this form of appreciation because he had no mother, and when he came in contact with such materials, he almost felt the sense of oneness with something womanly; something that he was missing. It all seemed to make his stronger and able to recognize more about life and appreciation of the world. This is how I came to the assumption that all he needed was the motherly nurture to be able to feel life in an optimistic view. Paul had never been a participant, but always on the outside because of the fear and dread of disapproval in society. He was repressed and paranoid that people could see through him and see his insecurity. Once people could see this about him, Paul would completely fall apart. It was this secret that he had inside that kept him together. He knew something nobody else did, and he wanted to keep that security. At the sight of the soloist in the choir he described her as “the mother of many youth . . . that worldshine upon her, which, in Paul’s eyes, made her a veritable queen of Romance” (70). He replaced her for a moment as the mother he longed for. He felt love Paul 6 for her and become lost within that thought as well as the music. She was numbing his pain for the instants that she was in sight. She was the mystical part of his soul that he missed inside. Psychoanalytically speaking, Paul was depressed and it only worsened through his lies and physical aversion. This anxiety had closed in on him and caused him to feel even more alone. “What he wanted was to see, to be in the atmosphere, float on the wave of it, to be carried out, blue league after blue league, away from everything” (75). He was never able to distinguish from wrong and right; he lacked that guidance from his mother’s tone o...
