imperfect later. This frustrating pattern was described to be by Rhonda (thirty-six), a single, attractive woman who was a colleague of mine. When I first met her and found out she had never married, I was shocked. One day at lunch I discovered why. She described her search for the “perfect guy”!! This was fueled by her irrational belief that she must not make a mistake-that would be shameful! She reported having been engaged three times in the last five years, only to break off each engagement about thirty days before the wedding. She was paralyzed with the belief that there was a perfect partner somewhere out there. The closer she got to the wedding day, the more worried she was that this guy might not be perfect. She was about resigned to being single for life. I emphasized the self-defeating nature of her perfection and shame beliefs. She later thanked me for helping her confront her problem.The reality: No one is perfect. Select a mate based on the qualities that are most important to you, and be able to compromise when all the qualities are not found. A balance sheet with the pluses and minuses of a particular relationship may be useful for you. The most you can hope for is to decide in light of the best information available. The next two myths focus on you. THE PERFECT SELF: The myth: You should feel totally competent as a future spouse before you decide to get married. This belief will keep you single for a long time, because few individuals ever feel totally competent to be a husband or a wife. In addition, successful marriage requires cooperation and effort by two people, not perfection in one or both. You may use this belief as a rationalization for an underlying fear of close relationships or marriage. A thirty-one-year-old man I know used this excuse to remain single. He attended nearly every self-improvement seminar that rolled into town. He constantly read magazines promisi...
