Baldwin warns against in the quotefrom “Everybody’s Protest Novel” begins, and David struggles to avoid acceptinghis life. On the one hand, David was experiencing a pleasure that was unlikeanything he ever dreamed of, yet at the same time he was internally butcheringhimself for allowing these feelings to be felt. Baldwin portrays this confusion whenhe writes:I was in a terrible confusion. Sometimes I thought, but this is your life. Stopfighting it. Stop fighting. Or I thought, but I am happy. And he loves me. Iam safe. Sometimes, when he was not near me, I thought, I will never let himtouch me again. Then, when he touched me, I thought, it doesn’t matter, it isonly the body, it will soon be over. When it was over, I lay in the dark andlistened to his breathing and dreamed of the touch of hands, of Giovanni’shands, or anybody’s hands, hands which would have the power to crush meand make me whole again (88).David had never experienced anything as powerful as Giovanni’s unconditionallove, yet he did not know how to accept or embrace this abundance of intensepassion. He could never fully give himself up to Giovanni because internally he wasalways holding something back. This self-control disabled the possibility ofaccepting true love for Giovanni, and at the same time prevented his identity fromevolving.The safety net which Hella’s long-distance relationship provided, not onlyallowed David to experiment with his emotional fears but also protected him fromthe emotions which he felt for Giovanni. From the onset of the relationship withGiovanni, David knew that Hella’s return would serve as the force that could carryhim away from this man that he loved and feared. “Giovanni knew that I was goingto leave him, but he did not dare accuse me for fear of being corroborated. I did notdare to tell him. Hella was on her way back from Spain and my father had agreedto send me ...
